I don’t believe in a God, or a posse of gods, or anything like that, but oddly enough, I’m a big believer in universal payback. Some might call what I believe in karma, but I think that implies I’m more spiritual than I really am. No, what I believe in is a reckoning that comes from the universe being in continuous balance. Still sound like karma? Fine call it what you will. I may never see what punishment the universe has in store for those who have it coming, but I like to make up a series of events that might lead to that punishment.
For instance, on the bus the other day, some douchebag actually pushed me out of the way so he could get to the empty seat before me. Then, get this, has the nerve to smirk at me. I was livid at first, but calmed at the thought that the universe would make this right.
Here’s how I imagined the universe striking back: the woman occupying the seat next to the douchebag sneezes and fails to use a hand, arm or sleeve as a shield against the spray of snot propelled by the sneeze. This is puzzling to her though, because she always, and I mean always covers her nose and mouth in some fashion when she sneezes. Today is different. Today the universe needs her. So the mist of snot, unabated, rains down, almost in slow motion, each droplet highlighted by the white sunlight beaming through the bus windows, and if I’m not mistaken, a small, yet beautiful rainbow forms as the mist rains down upon the douchebag. The douchebag, of course, is yawning because he’s tired after a long day of douchebaggery and thus, ingests the rainbow of airborne mucous.
Seatless, I watch the universe’s magic unfold right in front of me. The douchebag gets off the bus a few stops later, retires to his home, drinks a Bud Light, and puts his feet up. But suddenly he isn’t feeling so well anymore, and it’s not the watered down beer that’s doing it either. He drinks plenty of fluid and goes to bed early, but it’s too late, the woman, the sneezer, our hero, has contracted a rare, deadly tropical virus from the imported, golden, delicious pineapple she noshed on for breakfast earlier that day, and she’s spread this disease to the douchebag. He dies the next day, doctors are baffled, but hey, life’s a bitch sometimes, so they move on. Miraculously, the sneezer is fine except for that one sneeze that occurred on the bus. Why is she okay? Because she only contracted this rare, tropical disease from the imported, golden, delicious pineapple so she could spread it to the douchebag. She is, unknowingly, a soldier of the universe, aiding in the war to maintain universal balance. Ah, what a refreshing daydream.
I’m not so naive to think anything so extreme actually happened, as the universe is usually quite fair, but I’m willing to bet the douchebag, at the very least, stubbed his toe pretty badly that night. Broken nail, maybe some blood. Justice.