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George Bush may have been a lousy president, but tell me you wouldn’t want to hang out with this guy. He’s way too funny.

Here he is with Bill Clinton trying to raise money for Haiti. Apparently he’s not too keen on what we can only guess is a rather wet or slimy handshake with one of the Haitians so he decides to use Bill Clinton as a towel. Classic. This guy needs to do stand-up comedy.

TGIF.

In mid-December I asked the question, is Ovechkin a hero or a villain? I didn’t know the answer yet, but what I did know was I wasn’t happy about his dirty play (see article here). Ovechkin, once loved by hockey fans everywhere, has now taken his reputation and mopped up a very messy toilet with it. Remember the toilet after Mexican night that one time?

When Ovi entered the league his superstar talent and high octane style made him a hero, but it’s becoming clearer that Ovechkin is a villain. He’s no better than Skeletor and at best, is on par with Megatron and Gargamel. I will not question his talent. He is one of the best players the NHL has ever seen, but he’s becoming less likable every day. I’m starting to think Rosie O’Donnell has more redeemable qualities. Don’t worry Ovi, I still like you better than Hitler.

Below, I provide two more examples of his douchebaggery.

After team Russia was thumped out of the Vancouver Olympics by Team Canada, this is how Ovechkin greeted his fans.



On March 14th, Ovechkin was kicked out for the game for this vicious hit from behind on Chicago Defenseman, Brian Campbell.



One might call Ovi, the Perfect Criminal (Ovi appears in this Russian music video at 3:50).

Maybe she doesn’t love them, but I’m sure she was okay with however much money Virgin Mobile paid to have their phone featured in her new video, Telephone. Bet you never thought Gaga and Virgin were two words that would be associated with each other. Oddly enough, the Miracle Whip placement seems appropriate. It’s not hard to imagine Gaga covered in mayo or something resembling it.

If you haven’t seen the new video featuring Beyonce, it’s over nine minutes of dancing, outfit changes, and product placements. Product placements so obvious it reminded me of the first Transformers movie, but without Megan Fox to distract me. Even worse, the YouTube video requires you to watch a commercial prior to viewing the already too long video. If we only had a Polaroid camera to capture the horrified look on my face.

Don’t worry Gaga fans, as usual, Gaga spends most of her time scantily clad with her legs wide open, and without the much needed bag on her head. But if you like creative outfits and hairdos made from cigarettes, police tape or cans, she doesn’t disappoint. Me? I’m too busy switching my phone service over to Virgin and eating WonderBread to be concerned with hairdos!

This video is over 9 minutes because it tries to convey some sort of epic story, while still managing to fit in product placements wherever possible. Try and count them as the video goes on. Maybe make a drinking game out of it! This unnecessary cut scenes are so idiotic I suggest arming yourself with an arsenal of groans and self-inflicted forehead smacks. Let’s just say it’s less Thriller and more Greedy Fly by Bush in terms of awesomeness. The good news is that the Pussy Wagon from the Kill Bill movie makes an appearance.

Oh, and Beyonce was in it.  She was. She sings and dances too! Can you believe it? It was nice to see the camera starved Beyonce getting some screen time, because I feel like we don’t see or hear about her enough. I was disappointed not to find Mylie Cyrus in the mix somewhere, especially when the USA outfits were donned for one of the closing dance numbers. I would have loved a little Party in the USA tie-in. That would be the greatest trio since Lucky Day, Dusty Bottoms, and Ned Nederlander teamed up in the 1986 masterpiece,  ¡Three Amigos!.

Despite my obvious disgust for the video, Pokerface and Bad Romance will live forever in my heart alongside Party in the USA as the three recent pop songs I can’t seem to shake out of my head. I still love you Gaga, team up with Mylie soon PLZ! LOLZ. *HUGZ*

Without further ado, here is the video.

What are your thoughts on the video? On Lady Gaga? On the product placements?

Justin Bieber is a name I see and hear far too often. He’s constantly a trending topic on Twitter and for some reason or another, he’s very popular with the kids. I don’t know his music or anything about him, and if you’re lucky, you don’t either. But, if you need a good laugh, watch this Youtube video –> Justin Bieber’s Biggest Fan. It’s primo hilarious, like Eddie Murphy before he started doing family movies.

Hat tip to Bianca for showing me this.

With all the great weather sweeping through Toronto I thought I’d take advantage of it and go for a little run. So, with my running gear on (yes, those ridiculous outfits that make one look like a gay ninja) and my Mp3 player looping Eye of the Tiger over and over again, I set out to exhaust myself for no particular reason except maybe to get some use out of my gay ninja outfit (my straight ninja outfit is in the wash). Midway through my run I was stopped by an older lady waiting for the bus. She asked me for $5 because she had laryngitis. $5 for a temporary affliction? Sure, I’ll throw in a foot rub too. Bullshit. If you’re going to panhandle, do it right. This is the guide to panhandling excellence.

#1. Find a high traffic area. This increases your odds of having more people drop change in your cup, and more money is (DUH!) the goal of panhandling. Do people still say “DUH”? They did at one time though, right?

#2. If you’re going to ask for money, don’t ask for spare change. Ask for a reasonable, specific amount. Studies have shown that asking for say, 37 cents, is much more effective than asking for spare change.  Think about past situations where someone asked for a quarter, or 50 cents. I’m much more likely to help someone reach a specific goal even if I don’t exactly know what reaching that goal means to them. By the way, I’m short 78 cents for a mini bag of Zesty Doritos. Can someone do me a kindness and make a brutha’s flavored tortilla chip dream come true?

#3. Hand written signs can help if they’re witty, funny or mind blowing. If a sign makes me laugh, I’ll throw some coin in your cup. I was provided with a service, for that you should be compensated.  Some people like to mention God on their sign in some way, but you might alienate Atheists. Your choice. I once saw a sign that said, “Happiness: Only 25 cents.” I thought, what if by some bizarre cosmic magic, this was my one chance to guarantee eternal happiness? I’d be stupid to pass it up.

#4. Get a dog. I’m much more likely to give money to someone with a dog because for some reason, I’m more concerned the dog will go hungry than the homeless person. Maybe that’s because the dog doesn’t have a heroin addiction…I could be wrong, maybe Fido does love the smack.

#5. Work for it. In a big city begging is a competitive business. Hobos need something that makes people want to give them change over the other down on his luck guy sitting on the next corner. Some hold open doors, some offer free newspapers. These two are overdone and not really impressive in any way. I once saw a guy playing an upside down paint bucket like a drum. There was absolutely no rhythm and I’m not sure the man was fully conscious, but he was trying and I respected that. There’s also a girl in Kensington Market who sings Sinead O’Connor songs into a carrot. The laughter and memories she provided were well worth the $2 I gave her.

#6. High pressure sales tactics might work sometimes, but overall they’re not a good idea. You might make people take a different route to work and make your high traffic area a low traffic area. I once had a homeless guy follow me for nearly a block asking for money and being a jerk about it. Why would I want to contribute to this guy living any longer? I don’t have spare change, but I have a spare ‘knee to the groin’ if you keep asking, pal.

#7.Be sick or act sick. If you appear to be sick, people will give you money. Just ask the shaky lady in Toronto! (click here to read about her). This isn’t the most honest way to make money, it’s more for the homeless lawyers and marketing execs.

#8. Be young. Okay, you can’t make someone younger, but I’ve always been more likely to give money to younger homeless people because I’m hoping there’s still a chance for a better life for them. The 78 year old homeless woman isn’t going to turn her life around on my 12 cents.

#9. Stand out and be creative. If you stand out, people will consider you a friend and want to be a repeat contributor. I once made friends with a homeless girl near my work. She and her boyfriend were living in hostels and trying to make ends meet. She was very talkative and inspiring and would show me some of her artwork that she drew in her journal. I’d sit with her sometimes and we’d chew the fat and I even panhandled on her behalf on one occasion (I didn’t make a penny). On the average day, she claimed to make upwards of $10 an hour.  What set her apart? She was young (see #8), kind, but most importantly, she wasn’t asking for change, but handing out resumes (she got change anyway). After a few weeks, she wasn’t there anymore. I hope she and her boyfriend are doing well and aren’t sitting with Fido doing smack.

#10. Give us something to relate to. The panhandler I respected most was a man who sat on the corner of Front and John in Toronto maybe ten years ago. He would read a book while sitting on a milk crate and have a cup out for change. No sales pressure, no begging. Donate if you want, if not, that’s cool too. People loved him, brought him coffee, cigarettes, books and of course, spare change! Did reading a book make him more identifiable? Seem more intelligent?  I don’t know, but it worked.

#11. Say thank you because people don’t owe you anything. So when a passerby gives you something, even a penny, say thanks. Most people are giving away their money to feel better about themselves and the thanks they get in return goes a long way in promoting repeat business. Yes, panhandling is a business. Not the most lucrative business, but for someone with a limited skill set, it can help in buying that next meal (or bottle of malt liquor).

I know having this guide on the internet isn’t very helpful for currently homeless people, but with today’s economy, one of us could be homeless any day now. So maybe you should print this out and keep it with you at all times.

My questions to you are: who are you most likely to give money to and why? Do you have a story about a beggar you’d like to share?

After team Canada beat the bratwurst out of Germany in the qualification round, I knew the Canadian Olympic hockey team had a tough road ahead.  The mighty Russians, who we were supposed to meet in the finals, were instead met in the quarters. One of the two titans would be going home without a medal. This was supposed to be a game for the ages. I knew hockey of this caliber only comes around every 4 years and if the NHL doesn’t commit to the next Olympics, it might never be back again.  So I started sending some text messages and spreading the word prior to each game that regardless of who joins me, I’m hitting up bars for the remaining 3 games.  Not surprisingly, a large contingent of fans wearing (and bleeding) red and white jumped on board.

After the Canadians sent the Russians back home to cry over a few bottles of delicious premium vodka, a correlation became clear: this was the first time my beard and I had supported the team in public. I didn’t have a beard in Canada’s gold medal winning 2002, or the disappointing 2006 Olympics. The 2002 team had Mario Lemieux, the 2006 team didn’t. A reasonable conclusion was that my beard was replacing the leadership not present in the absence of Mario Lemieux. It only makes sense. There was too much evidence supporting the beard theory. I knew Team Canada and my beard’s fate were entwined.


So Russia was done, but I knew the Russian team had been overrated, it was the fast Americans with stellar goaltending, who were the real challenge and I wasn’t sure my beard and I were ready for them. So from that point forward I pleaded with my face, “Please beard, grow…Before it’s too late. Canada needs this. The Olympics needs this. The planet needs this.”

When Team USA beat Team Canada a week prior to the gold medal game, Team Canada’s defense, like my beard, had holes in it. From that day forward I committed to growing my beard 24 hours a day. Even in my sleep I urged the hairs to be thicker and stronger. A couple days after beating the Russians, we took out Slovakia. The stage was set for a rematch between the USA and my beard and Team Canada.

As my beard grew, so too did Team Canada’s chemistry. The weak spots in my beard disappeared, just as the weak spots in Canada’s game disappeared. Coincidence?  On the day of the gold medal game, my beard claimed there’s no such thing. Did team Canada’s grit wear down the opposing team’s defenses or was it my grizzly beard? Did Sidney Crosby score the OT goal or did my beard? You won’t read about this on ESPN.com or TSN.ca, because the media wants to tell you a different, fabricated story. Shhhh…We know the truth, but my beard will let Sid take the credit, because it’s better for Canadian hockey.

With the Olympics over, the Canadian hockey team adorned in gold, my beard’s work was done, and thus, was retired. My baby face restored. But underneath that baby face a new beard lies, hibernating, waiting to carry the hopes of Canadians on its hairy shoulders for the 2014 Olympics. Thanks be to beard. Amen.