The Rules of Hand Washing Etiquette

Artwork by Keir Broadfoot. Please check out his amazing and hilarious comics at www.sweatypenny.com

If you’re a guy and you’ve used a public restroom, you probably noticed there’s more people who don’t wash their hands vs. those who do (what do you think of us now, ladies?). With this in mind, almost every time you shake a man’s hand, you’re shaking his penis. Perhaps later you indulge in some chicken wings, then lick some of the delicious Buffalo wing sauce from your fingers. Congrats, you just licked Buffalo wing sauce off some guy’s knob. Okay, I’m exaggerating a bit, but before you give non-hand-washers the stink eye, like I’ve done so many times, read on.

Hand Washers
Those of you who do wash your hands after taking a leak, and especially after shaking another man’s hand, are probably laughing it up. Your hands are clean, right? Wait a second, when you washed your hands did you use your hand to turn off the tap or open the door on the way out? Because just think of how many penis infested hands turned on the tap to wash their hands before you, and how many dink encrusted fingers opened the door after not washing their hands. So, in fact, you actually have more dink on your hands than the person who didn’t wash their hands, what’s worse is that you have other people’s dink on your hand while the guy who didn’t wash his hands only has his own. Maybe you should stop licking the melted ice cream of your thumb and index finger you smug bastard.

Non-Hand-Washers
Based on what you’ve just read, it seems like not washing your hands is the better option, because then it’s only your dink you have on your hands, and your dink and your hand spend so much time together this is something you’re probably more comfortable with than the dink of a stranger. Only people who shake your hand need worry, but you, you’re gold.

Sleeves and Paper Towel
Hey hand washers, I know, you’ve got some other tricks up your sleeves don’t you? Sure you do, you know you can use a paper towel or your sleeve to turn on and off the tap and open the door. So this seems to be the ideal situation, doesn’t it? It does, but this isn’t an ideal world and there isn’t always paper towel, not all shirts have long sleeves, and not all people want dink residue on their sleeves.

The Hand Dryer
The hand dryer is the cleanest option. No touching anything unless there’s an on button instead of a sensor, but if you hit the button for the dryer with your elbow, you’re good to go in the hygienic department…Or are you? The following facts will blow your mind (among other things).

A 2008 study conducted by the University of Westminster, London, compared the levels of hygiene offered by paper towels, warm air hand dryers and the modern jet-air hand dryers.

Summary of findings (Source – Wikipedia):

  • After washing and drying hands with the warm air dryer, the total number of bacteria was found to increase on average on the finger pads by 194% and on the palms by 254%. Yes, the hand dryer made your hand dirtier than it was before!
  • Drying with the jet air dryer resulted in an increase on average of the total number of bacteria on the finger pads by 42% and on the palms by 15%
  • After washing your hands and drying them with a paper towel, the total number of bacteria was reduced on average on the finger pads by up to 76% and on the palms by up to 77%. Another win for paper towels!

That’s interesting stuff, but what I found even funnier is that the jet air dryer, which blows air out at 400 mph, was capable of blowing micro-organisms (aka penis particles) from the unit and from your hands and shooting them up to 2 meters away. That’s a lot of dink debris being blown around. Maybe next time just dry your hands on your pants.

Continuous Cloth Towel
I didn’t find stats on the continuous cloth (once the norm),  but I can only assume it’s the filthiest one of all. Never, under any circumstances use this thing. Use your socks, hell, use a hobo’s socks to dry your hands before you get syphilis from one of these idiotic contraptions.

Take Home Message
The take home message is that paper towels reign supreme, but in their absence, use your sleeves to turn on taps and open doors and give your hands a good shake to dry them off. Remember, maybe those guys not washing their hands aren’t as filthy as you think. Maybe they didn’t want to use their sleeves or maybe they didn’t have any.

The easiest thing to do is use hand sanitizer or if you can, not to think about anything you’ve just read. You made it this far covered dink dust, right?

Oh, and next time you lick your fingers think of all the things you touched before that moment. Yum!

What are your thoughts on hand washing? Will this change any of your old habits? What do you think of the professional art work on this post (in other words give Keir some love)?

  • Steve Capo

    isn’t urine sterile anyway? so, in theory, wouldn’t it be better to wash your hands with your pee while peeing?

  • Hehe, ya sure, because urine doesn’t smell bad at all. Heck, maybe we could cut out showering and just start pissing all over each other. Sound like fun?

  • Irishboy33

    I’m game…pee you next time.

  • A fine illustration, but I might be biased as Keir’s contribute to my show several times!

    I find the trick is not to pee on your hands and to wash your dink when you wash the rest of your body in the morning (or whenever you shower).

    Hey, if it’s good enough for Winston Churchull! Here’s a fun quote:

    Young man (after seeing Churchill leave the bathroom without washing his hands): At Eton they taught us to wash our hands after using the toilet.

    Churchill: At Harrow they taught us not to piss on our hands.

  • AUGH TYPO I CANNOT EDIT OR DELETE

    Winston ChurcHULL was Churchill’s identical cousin from a parallel dimension where everything was the exact same except the spelling of “Churchill”.

  • @Oliver – Whether you pee on your hands or not you do touch your dink and I think most people (besides one’s gf, but maybe her too) would prefer not to touch one’s dink hands or one’s dink in general…even if it is clean. Have we gone too far yet? Probably.

    I’m glad you made the typo. The followup explanation was hilarious.

    Thanks for the comment.

  • Rob

    Dunno bout y’all but my dink does not leave a residue or encrust my fingers after using.

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