CorruptCamel.com

TGIF everyone. I’m feeling a little under the weather, but thought I’d share this great video for all you Perfect Strangers Fans.  It’s a shot by shot remake of the intro except instead of using Chicago as the setting they’ve used Seattle. Kind of geeky? There’s no such thing when it comes to loving Perfect Strangers.

Have a great weekend.

High school, college, university – back then drinking yourself stupid was the norm. Hell, if you’re still there let the good times roll. I remember thinking people were odd if they didn’t drink themselves stupid at least once a weekend. It was our duty as students to act like idiots and get pants-around-your-ankles hammered. At any good house party toilets, sinks, and salad bowls were being filled with vomit. Drink until you can drink no more. Ah, those were the days. Sundays without a hangover were a rarity, but every weekend was a blast.

When does this stop being the norm? I’m not sure there’s a standard age, as certain circles continue to drink themselves into blacking out weekend after weekend well into old age, and some never did, but for our group things just started to taper off after we graduated from school and got real jobs. People started showing up to parties with six packs instead of 12 packs, or 26ers. Parties would end at 2 or 3AM instead of 5 or 6AM. I could see it coming, and I did everything I could to stop it, but it was not to be.

What Happened?
People are buying houses, getting married, having kids. Fun’s over.  Or so I thought at first. I’m always a few years behind in the maturity department and I hope that never changes. Writing about Phantom Poops and mustaches keeps me sane in a world where everyone is so serious about everything. Don’t worry, the fun isn’t over, it’s just harder to come by and comes in different forms than getting pee-on-a-fridge drunk. Believe me, I do not want to drink myself stupid on the weekends anymore, although last Friday, it seemed like the right thing to do.

Another factor that slows down our drinking isn’t that we can’t drink as much as we used to, but more we don’t bounce back in the same way. The effects of hangovers can last two to three days and you better make sure you’re having a great time because you know you’re going to pay for it.

What a Novel Idea!
Drinking used to be novel. There were countless new experiences you had when you were drunk. It allowed you to bypass social restrictions to meet new people and do new things. Now that you’ve done those things and you’re tired of meeting new people you know you’ll never talk to again, drinking serves a smaller purpose. There will still be nights of  getting sloppy drunk. St. Paddy’s Day, New Year’s Eve, your birthday, vacation, and some others scattered throughout the year. Me, I like to have a couple drinks after work to keep me relaxed. Yes, my psychology degree taught me no better way to relieve stress than to self medicate with a few brewskies.

We’re Smarter
There are a lot of important goals we want to accomplish in life and being beached on a pullout couch, eating grilled cheese, and sleeping through Ferris Bueller’s Day Off again doesn’t allow us to accomplish those goals. With full time jobs free time is scarce and we need to embrace our free time and be productive…Or play videogames.

It’s No Fun to be the Only One
Remember that night everyone got drunk and did stupid things? Great time. Remember that night you got drunk and did stupid things while everyone looked at you like you were an idiot? Not a great time. Drinking is a group activity. If everyone gets drunk, it’s cool. If it’s just one person, it’s kind of sad. So make sure if you’re getting pissed, everyone else is too.

Not Getting Stupid Drunk Doesn’t Mean Not Drinking
I probably drink just as much as I used to…Well, maybe not as much as I did in residence, but the difference is now I spread it out throughout the week rather than just on Fridays and Saturdays. Getting a little drunk is usually far better than getting a lot drunk, but on those special nights (or days!) when getting sloshed feels right, do not forget the tequila. Happy drinking kids.

Artwork by the lovely, talented, and often beautiful Keir Broadfoot. Check out his comics at www.sweatypenny.com

You walk — no, run towards the washroom. Your pants and underwear already hugging your ankles before you can even see the toilet. As you stumble into the bathroom you do a quick TP check and make sure there’s some reading material. Your mind races through a menu of your last three meals just as your ass crashes down on the seat. Is this the scrambled eggs from breakfast, the Taco Bell from lunch or the corn on the cob from dinner? Maybe all three. As you grip the sides of the toilet and push, your mind reaches a zen-like clarity.

Between dropping bricks, evacuating one remarkable fart that can only be described as rip-roaring, and reading a couple of Maxim (Cosmo?) articles, a feeling of satisfaction washes over your body. Your sins absolved. Thanks be to God.

You stand to let your eyes bare witness to another masterpiece. If only there was a taxidermist for poop, your trophy shelf wouldn’t be barren.  You’d have something to put beside the purple participation ribbon you received after a 6th place finish in the 200 meters at the grade 5 track meet. Egad!, you’re astonished to see an empty bowl. No sunken treasure. An illusion? You rub your eyes and pinch yourself, but this is no dream, it’s a living nightmare. You bend over to see if the turd lies dormant, hibernating in the toilet cave. But, it’s not. Could the toilet have sucked it up? Or is the toilet Houdini reincarnated, doing one last miraculous disappearing trick? You wipe, but there is no proof a brown rabbit ever emerged from the top hat that is your ass. The zen-like clarity, the absolution of sins, how could you have been duped?

You hang your head in disappointment. It appears you’ve fallen victim to the phantom poop.

I turned on my MP3 player this morning and set it to random. The first song it picked, Thank God it’s Monday, by NOFX. I’m not a big believer in fate unless it has positive connotations. It’s just another way to keep me smiling when most people aren’t. Therefore, today is going to be a good one. Please, don’t shit on my parade.

If you hate Mondays you hate 1/7th of every week of your life. That’s over 14% of your working life that you’re going to hate just because you’ve made up your mind that Mondays suck. Why not make Mondays not suck?

Today I’d like you to step back and enjoy what you have in life. Forget the crappiness that can hover over your head like a storm cloud (especially on Mondays) and focus on those special people, moments, and passions in your life that make you happy. There’s a good chance we’re not going to get everything we want in life, but that doesn’t mean we shouldn’t appreciate those things which we’ve already checked off on our life’s to-do list.

For those with a focus on financial success, remember people who already have financial success are not problem free. Mo’ money, mo’ problems. Career success is not found in a large salary, it’s found in doing something you truly love. If you can find financial success doing what you love, keep on truckin’.

For those looking for the right partner, keep at it. For everyone you see who is with the right person, there are twice as many with the wrong. Embrace your independence, stay confident and you’ll meet the Ms. or Mr. right.

Take chances. I’m begging you to try new things. Life can be really vanilla if you don’t open yourself up to new experiences. Travel, try new foods, meet new people, and soak up the experience along the way. So many of you have made your minds up on things you haven’t tried. When faced with a new experience, ask yourself, “What’s the worst thing that could happen?” and, “What’s the best thing that can happen?” Maximize the potential for greatness rather than ensuring the mediocrity of the familiar. I know there’s free salad and bread, but try eating somewhere else besides East Side Mario’s.

Do what you love, if possible as a career, if not, as a hobby, and you’ll find life much more enjoyable. If you love to make art, paint. If you love to play sports, play. If you love to make music, make music. If you love to write, write. Don’t worry about whether it’s going to make you money or not and don’t worry if you’re good at it or not. It doesn’t matter. What matters is you’re doing something you love and the satisfaction of that will leak into other aspects of your life. I promise.

Give your loved ones a hug, enjoy the sunrise or sunset, and explore your passions. Most importantly, be careful not to get stuck in a rut. Don’t wait for someone else to change your fortunes, do it yourself.

If you want to live, live. TGIM.

If you want to laugh, smile and be happy, watch this clip from the movie 500 Days of Summer:

So when I say crotch punching I don’t mean punching someone in the nuts or in the box. That’s not cool. Ever. Clear?

Ok, so next time you’re passing through a turnstile, as your crotch punches the turnstile into motion, I want you to think of just how many groins and genitals have nudged the turnstile into rotation. Millions? Billions? That’s a lot of crotch power. There aren’t many things we jab with our crotches besides other people’s crotches, and maybe other people’s cabooses (if that’s what you’re into and if your partner will let you), so one should really appreciate it when it happens.

I dub today International Crotch Power Day, AKA ICP Day, not to be confused with Insane Clown Posse Day. Them, you can punch in the nuts.

Well, what are you waiting for? Go and lend your crotch to a good cause.

Enjoy your weekend.

Not really enthusiastic enough today to write any lists, rants, or anything remotely interesting. Usually I’m a little bit more upbeat on Turd Thursday, but It’s one of those weeks where it feels like I haven’t left work. I need something to turn today around, I’m not giving up on it yet. Maybe I’ll see a hobo eating a squirrel…No that’s more disgusting than uplifting. Odd that came to mind first.

My lack of enthusiasm, I’ve deduced, is coming from a couple of sources: I’ve inadvertently gone without eating meat for a couple of days, and I think I’m on way to sicktown. So I’m thinking a steak and a shot of cough syrup for lunch should do the trick. I hope that’s it. I can’t really think of anything else. Maybe I’m just waiting for something outstanding to happen, when really I should be trying to MAKE something outstanding happen.

I will make a hobo eat a squirrel! Anyone have any better ideas to make Turd Thursday incredibly awesome?

Happy Turd Thursday folks.

Just like women, men grow up taking baths as kids. So why don’t men take baths when they become adults?

I’m sure there are hundreds of reasons. I’m tired, so here are 3.

3. Most men are too big for most tubs. I’m 6″3. I get squished and usually have something jabbing me somewhere awful. It’s very uncomfortable and I feel ridiculous.

2. Men are dirty. We’re dirtier than most women because we’re usually larger and hairier. If you’re a large, hairy woman I offer you my sincere apologies (for a few reasons). Hair holds sweat, grease and dirt and you can imagine what ass hair is holding on to. On top of that, the only time men consider taking baths is when they’re too sore to shower, and that’s most likely after sports or manual labor; when we’re at our dirtiest. Ten minutes of sitting in that cauldron and the water is green. It’s disgusting.

1. We don’t have toys anymore. Baths were fun growing up because the above reasons didn’t apply: we weren’t too big, and weren’t nearly as dirty and hairy as we are now. Furthermore, we had GI Joes. The ongoing battle between Snake Eyes and the cloth monster that lived beneath the bubbly swamp was epic.

So in summary, if I were sore, had a jacuzzi, I showered beforehand, and I had my GI Joes and an especially evil cloth, I’d take a bath for sure. Until then, no dice.

Note: Scroll down to see the tags used for this article. Kinda gay.

Now that jeans are acceptable at most of the choosier restaurants and clubs, providing they’re accompanied with something relatively dressy such as a blazer and or tie, there’s no reason not to wear jeans all the time. Want some more reasons? Sure you do.

Jeans are the ninjas of pants. If you wear leather pants, cords, shorts, or khakis day after day, people will notice. They’ll say, “Hey, there goes Larry Leather Pants.” or “Oh Corrina Corduroy wears her cords all week long. Thinks she’s soooo cool.”  Not to say there isn’t a time or place for these pants, but wearing them every day? Don’t be stupid. The jean, however, slips seamlessly (NPI) into everyday life. No one even notices. Heck, I’ve been wearing the same jeans for 3 months and no one has said a thing. Note: exceptions include: jeans that are too tight, too short, not blue, or have ridiculous designs on them. These can be worn, but not every day.

Jeans help you figure out what job is right for you. If your job doesn’t let you wear jeans, I think it’s pretty clear you should look for another job. Large salary, company car, great benefits: all these things are worthless if you can’t work comfortably in jeans. Who are they to tell me what kind of pants to wear? That’s pantism, which in some circles is as bad as racism. Look at your legs right now, if they’re not draped in jeans and you’re at work, stand up and leave. Now.

Jeans are casual and professional. Jeans can do it all. How many pants are as versatile as jeans? Jogging pants can’t be professional. Yoga pants? Not unless you’re teaching yoga. Jeans and a T-shirt = Ya, you’re cool. Jeans and a blazer = Oooh, business savvy, rawr!

Jeans are durable. In a pant fight, jeans would beat the hell out of most pants. I saw a recent fight where jeans took on capri pants. It ended with the jeans crapping lint all over the capris. Don’t believe me? Fuck you.

Jeans unite the world. City folk and country bumpkins don’t have a lot in common, but jeans bring them together and act as a wonderful ice breaker. I’m not sure how many women I hooked up with in Alabama using a good jean pickup line. People from all walks of life wear jeans. Rich people, poor people and everyone in between. How many poor people do you see wearing Armani slacks? Do you think jeans favor one race over another? Hells no. Jeans are equal opportunity pants and act as an example not only to all pants, but to all people.

So if you want to be a ninja working in the right profession who is both casual and professional, durable, not elitist or racist you should wear some jeans and at the same time, try to be more like jeans.

Jeans. They’re not only pants, they’re role models too. Might I suggest you send this post to non-jeaners to show them what they’re missing? Perhaps you should send it to jeaners too, remind them they’re doing the right thing. Jeantastic!

The majority of people in this world are not punctual and when you have two people together it becomes even more difficult to depart on time. But you might not be the person who is bringing the duo down. You’re not the one who can’t decide on an outfit or can’t get your hair just right. It’s them. Oh yes, they’re bringing you down at every special occasion or time dependent get together.

By “them” I’m not specifically referring to ladies as the late ones. I’ve seen some men who (are disgraceful to all men) spend just as much time on their hair and clothing choices. These steps can apply to both men and women, but have only been tested on women.

People tend to be late by the same amount of time every time. It’s crucial to find this time. It might be 15 minutes or half an hour. If it’s an hour or more, God help you. The reason they’re always this late is because they don’t get into panic mode until it’s already overtime. Find out when their panic mode starts. The best way to describe panic mode is to think of when you were in school, the day before an assignment was due. You stayed up till 5AM to get the assignment done when you were given month to do it. Why didn’t you do it before the last day? Easy, you needed to be in panic mode. Tardy people don’t get their act together till it’s too late. Their panic mode doesn’t kick in early enough.

Before I lay out the necessary steps of induced punctuality, you must realize tardy people are usually so busy slowly getting ready or avoiding getting ready they will take your word for almost anything. Exploit this.

Step 1. Have them lay out their outfit and accessories the day before. Believe it or not, girls like to do this and sometimes only need it to be suggested. If they don’t like to do this, suggest you both lay out your clothes. Couples like to do things together. This step isn’t enough, because now they’re even more lax the next day and will doddle knowing they’ve already completed something. That’s where the rest of the steps come in.

Step 2. Adjust the departure and arrival time. Set the ETD and ETA earlier than they need to be (e.g. if you want to leave at noon, tell them you need to leave at 11:30AM). Do this the day before. Warning: if they question your departure and/or arrival time make up a lie about expected traffic or bad weather.

Note: This step works especially well for road trips with friends. Tell them your departure time is an hour ahead of when you actually want to leave because you can always count on people being late.

Step 3. Get them ahead of schedule without them knowing it. Do this by setting the alarm earlier than planned. This might involve changing the clock(s), but if it works, they’re going to be ‘X’ minutes ahead of schedule without knowing it. The key is they cannot know they are ahead of schedule. Step 4 explains why.

Step 4. Induce panic mode. This is the most crucial step, because without panic mode the doing of hair or makeup can take 5 times as long with little to no difference in your partner’s appearance. It is important not to have any clocks visible where they’re doing their hair or makeup. Usually this is done in the bathroom, so that helps. When it’s time for them to do their makeup or hair tell them (with panic in your voice) it’s 15 minutes later than it really is or you have to leave fifteen minutes sooner than you actually need to. Like I said, they’ll take your word for it. This comment will send them into a frenzy. In panic mode it will appear as if they’re on speed or PEDs. You’ve got them moving like they’re already late, but, really, you’re well ahead of schedule. Do a celebratory fist pump.

At the end of these steps you’ll notice you’re leaving later than the fake departure time you gave them, but earlier than the actual departure time. So they think they’re late, but they’re not. However, if you notice they’re still running behind, increase the panic in your voice. Panic is contagious! “Quick! Hurry! Come on, come on!”

Also, try to give them options. People who are late are often poor at prioritizing. Some things can be done later. For example, they can do their makeup in the bathroom at the event, or apply their lipstick in the car.

If you fail.You can’t win them all. There’s a point where you might realize you’re not going to be on time. Pour yourself a drink and get comfortable. It’s not the end of the world.

BONUS Step. If you leave on time. Praise them for getting ready so quickly. After lying to your better half about the time and your schedule, it’s not a bad idea to let them know how much you appreciate their effort. Tell them they look great (they probably do). If they question you about the time, point out you only did it to make sure you left on time, and also point out if you hadn’t you’d probably be running late. Do this sincerely, but gently and throw in an apology. They’re usually so relieved they’re on time they’ll forgive you. Also, this reinforces the behavior and you’ll notice that in no time, your better half is punctual without these trick. Who knew!?!

If you have a friend who is always late for things because of their partner, send over this link. Do them a favor. Compare results and leave an anonymous comment. Cheers.
Note – My girlfriend is very punctual now (and always super cool) which is why I’m confident posting this won’t lead to my early demise. If you don’t hear from me for a while, you’ll know I was wrong. She cared. I did it all for you guys. No, the picture is not her.

My problem is with people who leave a message that’s one sound – *click*. Before you pick up the phone to call someone decide if you want to leave a message or not. Don’t wait for the beep before you hang-up,  dumbass.

If you’re thinking, what’s the big deal? Just erase it. <– Screw you.

On my cellphone I have to call my voicemail, enter a 4 digit passcode, listen to the phone company’s recorded message to tell me I have 3 new messages, then I have to hit ’11′ in order to listen to my unheard messages, and then, and then, and then!!! I have to hear the sound of someone hanging up because they lost their nerve at the last minute. This process takes up to 3 minutes. 3 minutes of my life wasted because you don’t have the balls to say, “Hey, it’s Jim. Give me a call back.” or “Hi, it’s Barbara. Drinks at 7pm. See you there.” What’s worse, is when they call back and leave the same hang-up message. Undeniable proof of their stupidity. When the prerecorded message came on informing them to “leave a message after the beep” were they so surprised they were rendered speechless?

My voicemail can only hold 5 messages. I’m not a drug dealer or a pimp, that should be enough. But it’s not sometimes because when you leave a non-message you’re taking up room for a real message that can be left by someone who has a real brain.

If you’re thinking, if you answered your phone, maybe your messages wouldn’t get backed up. <– You are really pissing me off. What is your problem!?!

Sometimes I’m on the subway, sometimes I don’t hear the phone or sometimes I’m at a place where having your ringer on isn’t polite (like the movies) or maybe I’m screening my calls from people who don’t understand the simple concept of hanging up before the beep or leaving a message after.

So if you phone me, leave a message if you get past the beep. Anything. Even if it’s just your name or a funny word like, “booger”. At least I can get a laugh out of it.

It feels really good to vent on a Friday. I’m not angry, I just write like I am sometimes. Have a good weekend everyone.

Any beefs today?