CorruptCamel.com

I have babies so I can sit down on the way to work!

-
There are some standard subway rules that are givens:
-
Give someone your seat if…

-
• She is fat with child (pregnant). The woman must name the baby after the last person to give her their seat. It could be you!
• They are disabled or physically handicapped. This gives you the privilege of using their crutch as a microphone and singing your favorite Abba song.
• They are old, frail, and may die on the course of the ride. The unspoken deal of offering your seat allows you to loot their corpse should they pass on.

-
Some rules are common sense, but not necessarily givens:

• If you have a backpack on and it’s crowded, take off your backpack so you aren’t taking up extra room and/or smacking people with your textbooks every time you turn around.
• Don’t wear too much perfume. The subway cars are poorly ventilated.
• Just because you’re in a crowd, and no one can tell you did it, don’t fart. See above reason. (*Note: I do enjoy trying to identify the perpetrator).
• Don’t block the doors. If you are blocking the doors, get off at every stop and let us off. Don’t be a dick.
• Turn down the volume on your iPod so only you can hear it. I’m not impressed you’re listening to Christina Aguilera and loving every minute of it. Not that impressed anyway.

-
There are some gray areas I’d like to address:

-
• If someone has a baby in a stroller, do we give them a seat? I thought about this for awhile and here’s what I came up with – These women had a subway seat throughout most of their pregnancy, do they need the seat now too? Are they simply having babies so they have a free seat on a busy subway? Most likely they are. Let them stand. Also, the mothers have the benefit of having a stroller to lean on. This provides something to hold onto that isn’t covered in disease like a subway pole (have you after licked food off your hand and realized the last thing you touched was a subway pole? If you have, you probably have syphilis. See a doctor).
• Should morbidly obese people get a seat? Not a chance. Besides, they’ll need two seats. Being lazy shouldn’t grant you the opportunity to be more lazy. Let them stand.
• Do not poop on the subway. Despite how funny it is, you shouldn’t do it…Unless you really really wanna.

-
An interesting dilemma:
-
Recently I was on the subway and saw a woman who was either fat in the belly or pregnant. It wasn’t clear. If I offer her the seat and she’s not pregnant, I run the risk of embarrassing her, but if I don’t give her the seat I run the risk of being an insensitive prick. I had to think quick. It seems I wasn’t the only one battling with this as no one else had offered her their seat either. Then the solution came to me. Without offering her my seat, I simply stood up and left the seat vacant.  If she’s pregnant, she’ll understand the gesture, if she’s fat, she’ll simply take the seat without knowing why I left it. I won’t lie, this social experiment had me fairly excited to see how it would conclude.
-
She took the seat, and I watched in my periphery to see what would happen next. She instantly looked up at me and said, “Thank you so much.” She then glanced around disapprovingly at everyone else who didn’t offer up their seat. In fact, the gentleman sitting next to her looked overwhelmed with guilt. Mission accomplished!
-
Are there any other subway rules I missed? Do you like the picture I created in Paint? Do you like pizza? Did anyone notice I forgot the ‘P’ in the graffiti?

Oh, and last but not least – Whitney Fucking Houston.

Tags: Etiquette, Fart, handicapped, metro, old, pregnant, subway