The Rules of Subway Etiquette

There are some standard subway rules that are givens:

Give someone your seat if…

1. She is fat with child (AKA pregnant).

PERK: The woman must name the baby after the last person to give her their seat. It could be you!

2. He or she is disabled or physically handicapped.

PERK: This gives you the privilege of using their crutch as a microphone and singing your favorite Abba song.

3. He or she is old, frail, and may die on the course of the ride.

PERK: The unspoken deal is that should this geezer pass away, you get dibs on looting their corpse first. All that pocket change could be yours!!

Some rules are common sense, but not necessarily givens:

  1. If you have a backpack on and it’s crowded, take off your backpack so you aren’t taking up extra room and/or smacking people with your textbooks every time you turn around to find some prime cleavage.
  2. Don’t wear too much perfume. The subway cars are poorly ventilated and you could end up killing everyone in it.
  3. Just because you’re in a crowd, and no one can tell you did it, don’t fart. See above reason.  NOTE: Should someone fart, try to identify the perpetrator. Sometimes this can prove to be quite difficult.
  4. Don’t block the doors. If you are blocking the doors, get off at every stop and let us off or I will make sure my shoulder smacks you on the way out. Don’t be a dick.
  5. Turn down the volume on your iPod so only you can hear it. I’m not impressed you’re listening to Christina Aguilera and loving every minute of it. Not that impressed anyway. Ok, I’m impressed.

Frequently Asked Subway Etiquette Questions:

Q: If someone has a baby in a stroller, do we give them a seat?

A: These women were offered a subway seat throughout most of their pregnancy, do they need the seat now too? Are they simply having babies so they have a free seat on a busy subway? Most likely they are. You know what, let them stand. Also, the mothers have the benefit of having a stroller to lean on. This provides something to hold onto that isn’t covered in disease like a subway pole

WARNING: If you’ve ever licked food off your hand and realized the last thing you touched was a subway pole then you probably have syphilis or Ebola. See a doctor or a mortician.

Q: Should morbidly obese people get a seat?

A: Not a chance. Being fat and lazy shouldn’t grant you the opportunity to have a seat and be more lazy.

Q: Can I poop on the subway?

A: Despite how funny it is, you shouldn’t do it. Not when I’m on the subway anyway…Unless you really really wanna.

An interesting subway dilemma:

Recently I was on the subway and saw a woman who was either fat in the belly or pregnant. It wasn’t clear. If I offer her the seat and she’s not pregnant, I run the risk of embarrassing her, but if I don’t give her the seat, I run the risk of being an insensitive prick. I had to think quick. It seems I wasn’t the only one battling with this as no one else had offered her their seat either. Then the solution came to me. Without offering her my seat, I simply stood up and left the seat vacant.  You see, if she’s pregnant, she’ll understand the gesture, if she’s fat, she’ll simply take the seat without knowing why I left it. I won’t lie, this social experiment had me fairly excited to see how it would conclude.

Here’s what happened:

She took the seat, and I watched in my periphery to see what would happen next. She instantly looked up at me and said, “Thank you so much.” She then glanced around disapprovingly at everyone else who didn’t offer up their seat. In fact, the gentleman sitting next to her looked overwhelmed with guilt. Mission accomplished!

Are there any other subway rules I missed? Do you like the picture I created in Paint? Do you like pizza? Did anyone notice I misspelled “CORRUPT” in the graffiti?

  • RockinRuhul

    I did enjoy very much your pooping dog…very artistic i may say!! Your drawing is so to the point where i feel like i can smell the dogs poop from my office…

    Here’s another dilema…you managed to get a seat on a subway car and you see a frail old man standing. You then come forth and ask the old man if he would like your seat, embarassing and making everyone else feel guilty in the subway car. The old man then refusses your polite gesture and he continues to stand looking as if he will keel over any minute. The next couple of stops come and the subway becomes more packed and people start giving you dirty looks because they see this old man standing without a seat and nobody is offering. do you then offer your seat again and continue to offer at every stop!? Or do you simply tell the people giving you dirty looks that you have already offered your seat? What if the old man refuses your seat but then takes someone elses seat because they offered a couple of stops later?

    what would you do?

  • If the old man refuses let him be. If people look, tell them to eff off with your eyes (all women can do it). If the old man takes someone else’s seat, maybe he was wrong and the ride proved too hard on his old knees, yet he didn’t want to push it by asking you if the offer for the seat still stood. Perhaps he didn’t want to sit in the first place because he thought sitting might lead to the crapping of his pants. When the urgency of the poop faded, he took someone else up on their seat offer. Who hasn’t been in that situation?

  • RockinRuhul

    yes…indeed you’re right. There have been situations where i needed to poop urgently on the subway and had a chance to sit but was too afraid to just incase…

    Thank you for your wisdom, next time i might offer an old person a bedpan..not my seat!!

  • Slick move on the subway … I’ll have to remember that. I’ll offer up my seat to old dudes, but some of them can be too proud – so just moving will work better.

    Also, fantastic drawing.

    • My art can be seen in galleries all over the world.

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