The Rules of Subway Etiquette

There are some standard subway rules that are givens:

Give someone your seat if…

1. She is fat with child (AKA pregnant).

PERK: The woman must name the baby after the last person to give her their seat. It could be you!

2. He or she is disabled or physically handicapped.

PERK: This gives you the privilege of using their crutch as a microphone and singing your favorite Abba song.

3. He or she is old, frail, and may die on the course of the ride.

PERK: The unspoken deal is that should this geezer pass away, you get dibs on looting their corpse first. All that pocket change could be yours!!

Some rules are common sense, but not necessarily givens:

  1. If you have a backpack on and it’s crowded, take off your backpack so you aren’t taking up extra room and/or smacking people with your textbooks every time you turn around to find some prime cleavage.
  2. Don’t wear too much perfume. The subway cars are poorly ventilated and you could end up killing everyone in it.
  3. Just because you’re in a crowd, and no one can tell you did it, don’t fart. See above reason.  NOTE: Should someone fart, try to identify the perpetrator. Sometimes this can prove to be quite difficult.
  4. Don’t block the doors. If you are blocking the doors, get off at every stop and let us off or I will make sure my shoulder smacks you on the way out. Don’t be a dick.
  5. Turn down the volume on your iPod so only you can hear it. I’m not impressed you’re listening to Christina Aguilera and loving every minute of it. Not that impressed anyway. Ok, I’m impressed.

Frequently Asked Subway Etiquette Questions:

Q: If someone has a baby in a stroller, do we give them a seat?

A: These women were offered a subway seat throughout most of their pregnancy, do they need the seat now too? Are they simply having babies so they have a free seat on a busy subway? Most likely they are. You know what, let them stand. Also, the mothers have the benefit of having a stroller to lean on. This provides something to hold onto that isn’t covered in disease like a subway pole

WARNING: If you’ve ever licked food off your hand and realized the last thing you touched was a subway pole then you probably have syphilis or Ebola. See a doctor or a mortician.

Q: Should morbidly obese people get a seat?

A: Not a chance. Being fat and lazy shouldn’t grant you the opportunity to have a seat and be more lazy.

Q: Can I poop on the subway?

A: Despite how funny it is, you shouldn’t do it. Not when I’m on the subway anyway…Unless you really really wanna.

An interesting subway dilemma:

Recently I was on the subway and saw a woman who was either fat in the belly or pregnant. It wasn’t clear. If I offer her the seat and she’s not pregnant, I run the risk of embarrassing her, but if I don’t give her the seat, I run the risk of being an insensitive prick. I had to think quick. It seems I wasn’t the only one battling with this as no one else had offered her their seat either. Then the solution came to me. Without offering her my seat, I simply stood up and left the seat vacant.  You see, if she’s pregnant, she’ll understand the gesture, if she’s fat, she’ll simply take the seat without knowing why I left it. I won’t lie, this social experiment had me fairly excited to see how it would conclude.

Here’s what happened:

She took the seat, and I watched in my periphery to see what would happen next. She instantly looked up at me and said, “Thank you so much.” She then glanced around disapprovingly at everyone else who didn’t offer up their seat. In fact, the gentleman sitting next to her looked overwhelmed with guilt. Mission accomplished!

Are there any other subway rules I missed? Do you like the picture I created in Paint? Do you like pizza? Did anyone notice I misspelled “CORRUPT” in the graffiti?

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