The 8 Rules of Roommate Sex Etiquette

1. I’d Rather Hear Music Than a Good Friend Climaxing
Call me old fashioned, but I don’t want to hear my friends getting off and I’m certain the feeling is mutual.  If you’re getting busy, and it’s not too early or too late, throw on some tunes and most volume rules can be skipped.  Music can drown out even the loudest and filthiest couples. Yes, your roomies will most likely know why you’re playing music, but it’s not like they thought you were a virgin in the first place. Who cares if they know your action schedule, at least you’re not scarring them. No biggie.

*Tip: The tempo of the music dictates the tempo of the sex.  So choose wisely. If you’re not up to the task, or haven’t stretched enough, don’t put on speed metal.

2. Do it Like a Ninja
If it is too late or too early and everyone is asleep, there’s a good chance there’s no ambient noise and even the sound of a condom wrapper can be heard hitting the shag rug.  If you don’t want to wake the neighbors, it’s probably a good time to practice ninja sex. Stealthy, yet efficient. Once in a while it’s a nice change of pace. Especially if you’ve been rocking the speed metal too much or you’re just tired. If you put on something slow, try not to fall asleep, it doesn’t usually go over well.

3. Even if it’s the Dead of Winter, Don’t Put that Fan Away
If there is ambient noise: a TV set, a fan, a radio, etc. then you can proceed at a medium level. Just try to keep the slapping, smacking, and banging to a minimum. Those sounds rise above the hum of a fan. Just don’t be surprised when, due to classical conditioning, the whir of your fan starts turning you on.

4. Put a Sock On It
No, I’m not here to promote safe sex. There are after school specials for that. If you have roommates and you’re practicing the aforementioned rules, they may not realize you’re having an intimate wrestling match and they may come a knocking on your door. As cheesy as putting a sock or tie on the doorknob is, it’s better than that awkward moment of having a friend walk in and ask if you need an extra set of hands.

5. Alcohol Oopsies
Alcohol negates all of the rules just stated because it gets you to a point where you may not give a rats ass about your neighbors or your roommates. So if you are the roommate or the neighbor, have some backup measures at your disposal. Again, a fan, some music, or a TV can help drown out those sounds you never wanted to hear. Also, earplugs are a great idea if your roomy is a nympho.

6. Don’t Be A Cock-Blocker
If you like your friend’s significant (or not so significant) other, don’t let them know you can hear them yelling, “Yee-Haw” and “Who’s your Daddy?” It’s awkward for everyone and can hamper your friends sex life, which in turn can possibly ruin their relationship. Maybe that’s a bit far-fetched, maybe not. Either way, a good friend should want you to be getting regular action.

If you hate your friend’s girlfriend or boyfriend, then by all means, let them know. Make them feel uncomfortable. At the very least, they’ll probably try to keep it down, they might take their show on the road, and at best, they’ll realize their relationship is empty without sex and they’ll break up.

Of course, there’s always the spiteful couple who will be even louder than usual. Don’t get mad though, it’s kind of funny.

7. If You’re Trying to Hook up with the Roommate of Your Girlfriend/Boyfriend
First of all, you’re very ambitious, and a little bit of a jerk. Oddly, “ambitious” is the word that stands out to me more. Hell, it’s the roommate switch. They did it on Seinfeld! In this case, be as loud as possible. The roomie will hear this and have no choice but to imagine trading places with their roommate and being with you! Yes, sickening, but it could work. Best of luck to you. Let me know how it goes.

8. EWWW. I know.
Last but not least, remember this: Everyone has sex. Even that guy in high school who you were sure would die a virgin. He won’t. I know, it’s gross, but it’s true.  With this in mind, remember the onus is on you AND the loud couple effing each other’s brains out to respect one another. Just because your roomie is getting laid and you’re not, doesn’t mean you should ruin his/her fun. Did you think having neighbors or roomies was going to be like living in a seminary? Get real. Oh, and that’s seminary, not SEMENary (but if you thought it, good on ya). Ear plugs, music, and white noise can go a long way to building a stronger relationship between you, your roomies, and your neighbors.

Oh, and if you like listening to the bedroom commotion, then that is your right too. Just don’t sit right outside the door. It’s creepy.

I recommend sending this post to a roommate or neighbor as a not so subtle hint.

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