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New Year’s Eve is a crapshoot. It’s the biggest crapshoot of the whole year and because it’s a crapshoot many people are soured on New Year’s Eve and say, “Fuck it, I’m staying home with my cat and watching the second season of Perfect Strangers.”
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Don’t be like them. Those people are depressing. They’re the same people who don’t want to celebrate their birthdays. They’re the people that will grow up to be old and bitter because of missed opportunities. Take a chance. Once, being too young to get into bars, we went downtown to Harbourfront in Toronto. It was completely spur of the moment and I was sure it would be a boring night. We drank alcohol from plastic bottles and ended up on a beach with thousands of drunk people watching fireworks. It was incredible. One of my favorite NYEs ever.
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Ok, while NYE can be a horribly disappointing night, it also holds the potential to be one of the best nights of the year. In fact, I can remember more NYEs (for better or for worse) than I can most any other day of the year throughout my lifetime.
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Through these ups and downs I’ve discovered there are three factors that must be taken into consideration in order to make NYE more enjoyable.
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LOCATION
Location is the factor most people focus on, but it’s not the most important factor. I’ve had great and terrible NYEs at bars, clubs, and house parties. So there is no guarantee any will be fun. If you’re going to a club or bar, try to pick one with good service and good music. Good service is paramount. I once spent NYE fairly sober because the male bartender was only serving people with boobs. NYE sober, in my opinion, is boring. Thanks barkeep. Asshole.
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Bigger bars are not always better and because an ad says it’s the best party in town it doesn’t mean it is. Remember, temporary bar friends can make a night extra memorable. Don’t be shy. If you’re single, it’s a toss up, because bigger bars provide more opportunities to hook up, but smaller bars provide a more intimate setting so it’s easier to develop a bond with a particular person. If you’re better at picking up with words than with dancing, maybe the smaller bar is better for you. Unfortunately, clubs and bars are a complete crapshoot. Flip a coin. Good luck.
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I prefer the house party because it’s most likely filled with people you already know. You save money on booze and can get it a lot faster.  The house party allows you to meet people who are the friends of people you know. This gives you an icebreaker right away which is good for meeting new friends, or if you’re single, meeting new mates. Besides, bars are often too loud to hear anyone speak and are too crowded to move. If you don’t know the person throwing the party have a backup plan. The party could be terrible.
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CHOICE OF ALCOHOL
Your choice of alcohol is so important on this night. Keep in mind you will be drinking champagne (or sparkling wine) at midnight and will most likely be offered some kind of shot. Also keep in mind that NYE is not a normal night. On a normal nights your drinking usually peaks and then tapers off as the night progresses. But on NYE, the party gets refreshed at midnight and drinking climbs towards another peak. With this in mind, make sure you’re drunk before midnight, but you’re not stumbling all over the place. Because if you are, you’ll be spending New Year’s Day in front of the toilet. I had a two day hangover last year. Great time though. Two of your best friends getting married at a hotel with an open bar is something you must experience.
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This year I’m drinking beer because a beer is a beer every time I get one from the fridge, but a mixed drink magically gets stronger as the night goes on. I’m sure I’ll have a few shots too. It’s unavoidable, just like a New Year’s Day hangover.
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PEOPLE
This is the most important of the three factors by far. This is what you should focus on.
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Friends
If you are surrounded by your best friends, it’s hard not to have a good time. So whether you go to a bar, or a club, or a house party, make sure your friends are there too. It makes all the difference in the world.
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Diffusing the Bomb
Single people can attest to this. The years they have someone to kiss at midnight are usually better than other New Year’s. At a busy Montreal club, I danced with a girl seconds before midnight, and when the clock struck 12 we kissed and that was that. We didn’t talk, or grope or anything. Just the kiss. If only all single people had the same unspoken agreement on NYE.
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There is no other day of the year where hooking up holds so much importance. The impending countdown imposes a panic to find someone before night’s end. It’s like diffusing a bomb. If you fail you watch as nearly everyone else kisses someone and then you scan the crowd to find someone else who has also failed to cut the right wires and try to get yourself a post midnight smooch (who says “smooch” anymore?). If you succeed it can be quite  gratifying. You may not have saved any lives, but you probably saved your night. Also, don’t be afraid to be a little more bold than usual on NYE. Both guys and girls are looking to find someone to pair up with and often times, because people want to diffuse the bomb ASAP it’s the one who is most persistent who gets the kiss and not necessarily the best candidate. There’s no justice in this world, I know.
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If you have a significant other, there is no bomb diffusing and no panic. There is far less pressure on NYE all together. Sit back, relax, and try not to get into a fight before midnight. The house party seems to be the best bet in this case, but if you’re a clubbing couple, you know where you should be.
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GUARANTEED GOOD TIME ON NYE
The only way I can guarantee a great NYE is to be in an exotic location. Fiji, Bahamas, Hawaii, Paris, etc. So if you’re not overflowing with money, get ready for what could be a great or terrible night. Just make sure you keep an open mind. Like I said, NYE is a crapshoot. Best of luck tonight folks.
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THANKS
Also, I’d like to thanks everyone who follows this website. December was CorruptCamel’s best month since I started it in March. I don’t make any money for doing this, but I do get a ton of satisfaction from hearing that people enjoy it. So leave some comments, tell some friends, retweet the posts on Twitter, become a fan of the site on Facebook. It means a lot to me.
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Happy 2010 folks.

Quick self promotion – if you have Facebook please become a fan of this page. The link is on the sidebar. Cheers.
Ok, so I’ve had a day to mull this over and I’ve come up with a few rules.
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Whether you have roommates or just live in a thin walled apartment building, there are some guidelines to follow when you know someone is within ear shot of you and the opposite (or same, do you what you like) sex having a triple X throw-down. Here’s what I’ve come up with.
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I’d Rather Hear Music Than a Good Friend Climaxing
Call me old fashioned, but I don’t want to hear my friends getting off.  If it’s not too early or too late, throw on some tunes and most volume rules can be skipped.  Music can drown out even the loudest and filthiest couples. Yes, your roomies will most likely know why you’re playing music, but it’s not like they thought you were a virgin in the first place. Who cares if they know your action schedule, at least you’re not scarring them. No biggie.
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*Tip: The tempo of the music dictates the tempo of the sex.  So choose wisely. If you’re not up to the task, or haven’t stretched enough, don’t put on speed metal.
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Do it Like a Ninja
Secondly, if it is too late or too early and everyone is asleep, there’s a good chance there’s no ambient noise and even the sound of a condom wrapper can be heard hitting the shag rug.  If you don’t want to wake the neighbors, it’s probably a good time to practice ninja sex. Stealthy, yet efficient. Once in a while it’s nice change of pace. Especially if you’ve been rocking the speed metal too much or you’re just tired. If you put on something slow, try not to fall asleep, it doesn’t usually go over well.
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Even if it’s the Dead of Winter, Don’t Put that Fan Away
If there is ambient noise: a TV set, a fan, a radio, etc. then you can proceed at a medium level. Just try to keep the slapping, smacking, and banging to a minimum. Those sounds rise above the hum of a fan. Just don’t be surprised when the whir of your fan starts turning you on.
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Put a Sock On It
No, I’m not here to promote safe sex. There are after school specials for that. If you have roommates and you’re practicing the aforementioned rules, they may not realize you’re having an intimate wrestling match and they may come a knocking on your door. As cheesy as putting a sock or tie on the doorknob is, it’s better than that awkward moment of having a friend walk in and ask if you need a third set of hands.
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Alcohol Oopsies
Alcohol negates all of the rules just stated because it gets you to a point where you may not give a rats ass about your neighbors or your roommates. So if you are the roommate or the neighbor, have some backup measures at your disposal. Again, a fan, some music, or a TV can help drown out those sounds you never wanted to hear. Also, earplugs are a great idea if your roomy is a nympho.
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Don’t Be A Cock-Blocker
If you like your friend’s significant (or not so significant) other, don’t let them know you can hear them yelling, “Yee-Haw” and “Who’s you Daddy?” It’s awkward for everyone and can hamper your friends sex life, which in turn can possibly ruin their relationship. Maybe that’s a bit far-fetched, maybe not. Either way, a good friend should want you to be getting regular action.
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If you hate your friend’s girlfriend or boyfriend, then by all means, let them know. Make them feel uncomfortable. At the very least, they’ll probably try to keep it down, they might take their show on the road, and at best, they’ll realize their relationship is empty without sex and they’ll break up.
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Of course, there’s always the spiteful couple who will be even louder than usual. Don’t get mad though, it’s kind of funny.
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If You’re Trying to Hook up with the Roommate of Your Girlfriend/Boyfriend
First of all, you’re very ambitious, and a little bit of a jerk. Oddly, “ambitious” is the word that stands out to me more. Hell, it’s the roommate switch. They did it on Seinfeld! In this case, be as loud as possible. The roomie will hear this and have no choice but to imagine trading places with their roommate and being with you! Yes, sickening, but it could work. Best of luck to you. Let me know how it goes.
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EWWW. I know.
Last but not least, remember this: Everyone has sex. Even that guy in high school who you were sure would die a virgin. He won’t. I know, it’s gross, but it’s true.  With this in mind, remember the onus is on you AND the loud couple effing each other’s brains out to respect one another. Just because your roomie is getting laid and you’re not, doesn’t mean you should ruin his/her fun. Did you think having neighbors or roomies was going to be like living in a seminary? Get real. Oh, and that’s seminary, not SEMENary (but if you thought it, good on ya). Ear plugs, music, and white noise can go a long way to building a stronger relationship between you, your roomies, and your neighbors.
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Oh, and if you like listening to the bedroom commotion, then that is your right too. Just don’t sit right outside the door. It’s creepy.
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I recommend sending this post to a roommate or neighbor as a not so subtle hint.
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Did I miss anything?

Last night, at 4am, I woke to the sound of my neighbors bumping uglies.  Breathing, grunting, moaning. It sounded close. Almost like they were in the same room as me. I was about to start laughing when I had one of those reflective moments. If I could hear them, they could probably hear me or more specifically, my girlfriend and me. It’s the first time we’ve heard our neighbors since they moved in almost 6-months ago. Now I won’t get into specifics of my sex life, but it’s safe to say we do it more than our neighbors and, yet, we’ve never heard a laugh or snicker from their side of the wall in all this time.
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So instead of laughing I thought, good for them for knocking boots at all, let alone at such a weird hour, and also, good for them for not making us feel self-conscious for doing the same thing in what should be the privacy of our own home. The least we can do is return the favor, right? So, I turned on the fan at the foot of the bed to create some white noise, let them do their thing, and fell back asleep.
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Do you have any good neighbors having sex stories?
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Funny idea: Name your WI-FI network – “I can hear you having sex” knowing your neighbors will see it when they search for WI-FI (I read that idea somewhere, so hat tip to whoever came up with it).
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*If you enjoyed this post, please share it using the buttons below. Thanks.

Christmas is easily North America’s biggest holiday. You can’t leave the house without seeing Christmas lights, decorations, and a whole lot of Jingle Bell Rock everywhere you look. It’s virtually inescapable. Heck, if you don’t leave the house there’s enough Christmas ads on TV to make sure you’re well aware of what time of year it is.
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Some workplaces call them “holiday parties” but who are you kidding? They’re Christmas parties.  Hear that song playing? It’s about Mommy kissing Santa Claus, not Hanukkah Harry.  Clearly, everyone is simply having a wonderful Christmas time. Well, maybe not everyone.
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With all of this going on, I think Jews and other non-Christmas celebrators must feel left out. How could they not? Certainly, not having to buy gifts for people is nice, but this means not getting gifts in return. In case you didn’t know, it’s the most wonderful time of the year.
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Obviously I’m speculating. I’m sure Jews will tell you they’re thankful not to be caught up in the craziness of Christmas. I think they’re lying though. If everyone around you was having a great time, wouldn’t you want to be a part of it too?
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Think of it this way: if you were a non-American in the USA on Independence Day or a non-Canadian in Canada on Canada Day, wouldn’t you join in on the party because, well, fun is fun? I know I would.
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So my Jewish friends, ignore the religious aspect of Christmas (I know I do) and grab a rum and eggnog and let’s have a good time and I’d be thrilled join you during one of your many exciting holidays.  Christmas doesn’t have to be about Christ, it can be about family, friends and merriment. Besides, Jesus is Jewish, he celebrates Christmas.
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Anyway, merry Christmas and happy holidays to all and to all a good night. Enjoy your days off of work. Remember, these days off are brought to you by everyone’s favorite holiday: Christmas.

Parting questions: To my Jewish and non-Christmas celebrating friends: are you jealous of Christmas? Why or why not? To those who do celebrate Christmas: What are your thoughts on including everyone in on the Christmas celebrations?

What if no one cuddled or cared for their child?
If no one raised babies they’d roam free in the wild.

They might live in an old wrecked car or a shoe,
They might reign supreme on a mountain of  poo.

They might ride on the back of wolves or red foxes,
They might sleep wrapped in coupons in old mailboxes.

A feral child is stealthy without rattle or diaper,
They’ll sneak up behind you like a ninja or viper.
They’ve never been taught about potty training,
So wherever they go, poop will be raining.

Some ask, “Oh, Feral Child will you ever forgive us?”
But Feral children have not learned of forgiveness.
There is one thing I’m sure that they’ll do,
They will return when they’re older and then they’ll kill you.

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When the frustration of holiday shopping sets in, a lack of escalator etiquette becomes even more irritating than usual. Unlike subway etiquette, escalator etiquette isn’t common sense because it is so commonly disregarded that I find myself tossing middle fingers and death glares at idiotic escalator riders more often than not.
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So for those of you who don’t know how to behave on an escalator, here are the rules that civilization has come up with and that I’m passing on to you. Abide by them or deal with the sharp elbow I’ll give you when I want to get by.
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One. Escalators are like highways. Pass on the left hand side. If you want to stand or go very slowly, keep to the right. If you keep left while standing you’ll be blocking people who are in a hurry and who aren’t lazy sacks of shit. I will grumble and swear under my breath if you block my way. I soon will start carrying eggs that I will hurl at the back of your head.  Be prepared to pay the price for being an asshole. You have been warned.
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Two. Do not stand in the middle of the escalator. This allows me enough room to push my way through and I will do it just so you are well aware that standing in the middle is selfish and a blatant sign of your dickheadedness. Get to the right or I will toss you there myself if it’s the only way you’ll learn.
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Three. Hey folks, don’t be so scared of that last step. For those who are walking on the left side of the escalator, my brothers and sisters, I know it’s tricky, but keep on plugging. There’s no reason to stop and let the escalator take you that last foot or two. Don’t be afraid, the escalator probably won’t eat you. Besides, us left siders are in a rush, remember?
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Four. If you’re traveling with a partner (girlfriend/boyfriend/friend/grandma) and you want to stand, one of you stand behind the other. Yes, you don’t have to be shoulder to shoulder all the time. Amazing I know.
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***Here’s a tip, if you can get a couple of stairs up on a friend (or a stranger if you’re feeling bold) their face will be at the same level as your butt. Fart away. It’s the perfect gag to melt those holiday season woes. Another tip, if you expect to do this, enjoy some eggnog before you go to the mall.
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Five. For those of you wondering what rules apply for the thin escalators that aren’t wide enough to fit two people, there are no rules. Some people want to stand and be carried by the escalator. God forbid they use their own muscles to get anywhere, but the choice is theirs. We must show patience or if the option exists, take the stairs.
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Six. When you get off the escalator get the fuck out of my way. Don’t stand there like an idiot, there is a staircase full of people being propelled towards you.  Move, you moron.
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Seven. Don’t stand in front of the escalator.  Can’t decide if you want to get on or not? I don’t care, get out of the way. Most people can make this decision in a fraction of a second. Go get a Yogen Fruz and mull it over. Different floor or same floor? Whatever you decide is NOT irreversible.  Fuck.
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These rules definitely apply for all right side driving countries, but I’m not sure if they’re reversed in left side driving places like the UK. Anyone know? If so, just switch left and right throughout this article…mate.
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Happy escalating, kids.

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It’s the last Friday before X-Mas! I managed to pick up a bunch of crappy gifts for my loved ones yesterday at the Eaton’s Centre. The Olympic Torch made its way through the city, but I opted not to join the hundreds lining Yonge street as some dude running around with a flaming wand doesn’t interest me. I also attempted to buy a mustache mug, but was disappointed at the ones they had at Urban Outfitters. Not manly shaped enough. I think I may have to order myself one from the website I linked to in yesterday’s post.
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Anyway, it’s Friday, I just want to go home and drink rum and eggnog and play videogames, so my post is a bit lazy today.
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Here’s a SFW video. The person who came up with this idea is a comedic genius. My hat’s off to him. If you have the opportunity to try this, please do.
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TGIMFF
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Can’t figure out what to buy your significant other, your brother, or even your mother?Have you been in every store in the mall only to realize the perfect gift isn’t there? Are you at the point where you’re seriously considering giving everyone a Slapchop?
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LOOK NO MORE! I have the answer for all of your gift giving needs. It’s what everyone wants and everyone needs! It’s good for at work or at home. It will make the men more manly and the women more attractive. Are you dying to find out what it is? ARE YOU? You must be.
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To find out, click HERE! (Don’t worry, it’s very safe for work).
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Happy Turd Thursday everyone!
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Special thanks to @Irishboy33 for sending me this link.

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If you’ve been paying attention to women, lesser men, and YouTube popularity trends, you may have noticed cats are popular. Not normal popular, but crazy popular and when I say that I mean cats drag the crazy out of people like boy bands drag the crazy out of teenage girls. The difference is cats have no age cap. Cat crazy can, and most likely will, last a lifetime.
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Cat crazy evolves over the years. You may have started with cat calendars and cat slippers, but then your cat replaces your best friend, your child, and maybe even your boyfriend or husband. For some reason, intimate relationships with cats may lead to a lack of social skills, agoraphobia, obesity, and/or constant baby talking. Quite often, crazy cat lovers are single because their overbearing love for cats is terrifying to most men. What is it about cats that make people crazy? Or are crazy people more likely to own cats? What comes first, the craziness or the cats?
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Many of these cat crazy qualities are exemplified by Angela from The Office and my elementary school teacher, Ms. Martin.
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Most cat lovers aren’t crazy yet, they just love cats. Hey, that’s okay, I’m not talking about you. Ease up. This might be more applicable in 5 years when you have a cat on each shoulder and one resting on your head. But if you have to ask…
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This is a crazy cat lover:

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Anyway, here are some great cat videos for all you cat crazy weirdos and those who just like to laugh at and with cats and cat related things. Enjoy.
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SNL’s Toonces the Driving Cat

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Peek a boo kitten

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Keyboard Cat

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Space cat

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Spaghetti Cat

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Simon’s Cat (see the channel, this is an ongoing series)

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Kittens Inspired by Kittens

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Guy yells at cat (NSFW)

Did I miss any cat videos? Are you cat crazy? Do you drink milk out of a saucer?

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There are some standard subway rules that are givens:
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Give someone your seat if…

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• She is fat with child (pregnant). The woman must name the baby after the last person to give her their seat. It could be you!
• They are disabled or physically handicapped. This gives you the privilege of using their crutch as a microphone and singing your favorite Abba song.
• They are old, frail, and may die on the course of the ride. The unspoken deal of offering your seat allows you to loot their corpse should they pass on.

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Some rules are common sense, but not necessarily givens:

• If you have a backpack on and it’s crowded, take off your backpack so you aren’t taking up extra room and/or smacking people with your textbooks every time you turn around.
• Don’t wear too much perfume. The subway cars are poorly ventilated.
• Just because you’re in a crowd, and no one can tell you did it, don’t fart. See above reason. (*Note: I do enjoy trying to identify the perpetrator).
• Don’t block the doors. If you are blocking the doors, get off at every stop and let us off. Don’t be a dick.
• Turn down the volume on your iPod so only you can hear it. I’m not impressed you’re listening to Christina Aguilera and loving every minute of it. Not that impressed anyway.

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There are some gray areas I’d like to address:

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• If someone has a baby in a stroller, do we give them a seat? I thought about this for awhile and here’s what I came up with – These women had a subway seat throughout most of their pregnancy, do they need the seat now too? Are they simply having babies so they have a free seat on a busy subway? Most likely they are. Let them stand. Also, the mothers have the benefit of having a stroller to lean on. This provides something to hold onto that isn’t covered in disease like a subway pole (have you after licked food off your hand and realized the last thing you touched was a subway pole? If you have, you probably have syphilis. See a doctor).
• Should morbidly obese people get a seat? Not a chance. Besides, they’ll need two seats. Being lazy shouldn’t grant you the opportunity to be more lazy. Let them stand.
• Do not poop on the subway. Despite how funny it is, you shouldn’t do it…Unless you really really wanna.

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An interesting dilemma:
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Recently I was on the subway and saw a woman who was either fat in the belly or pregnant. It wasn’t clear. If I offer her the seat and she’s not pregnant, I run the risk of embarrassing her, but if I don’t give her the seat I run the risk of being an insensitive prick. I had to think quick. It seems I wasn’t the only one battling with this as no one else had offered her their seat either. Then the solution came to me. Without offering her my seat, I simply stood up and left the seat vacant.  If she’s pregnant, she’ll understand the gesture, if she’s fat, she’ll simply take the seat without knowing why I left it. I won’t lie, this social experiment had me fairly excited to see how it would conclude.
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She took the seat, and I watched in my periphery to see what would happen next. She instantly looked up at me and said, “Thank you so much.” She then glanced around disapprovingly at everyone else who didn’t offer up their seat. In fact, the gentleman sitting next to her looked overwhelmed with guilt. Mission accomplished!
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Are there any other subway rules I missed? Do you like the picture I created in Paint? Do you like pizza? Did anyone notice I forgot the ‘P’ in the graffiti?

Oh, and last but not least – Whitney Fucking Houston.