Diarrhea Officially Designated to Number 3

Chronic #3s
Chronic #3s

After years of falling under the number 2 category, diarrhea has been given it’s own number. Under the Bodily Fluids Classification Act of 1844, urination falls under number 1, poop is number 2, and now, diarrhea is number 3. This marks the first time the act has been amended since 1912, when a “p” was added to the end of “poo” in order for people to take the act more seriously.

No longer will people have to specify that the number 2 they just took was soft, runny, toilet staining, and by definition, diarrhea. Now they can state with confidence they took a number 3.

While arguments were made proposing diarrhea be designated numbers 1.5 or 2.5 the council ultimately agreed only whole numbers were appropriate as any fractions or decimals would only create confusion and damage the credibility of the classification system.

This euphemism is expected to drastically increase the frequency and ease in which diarrhea is talked about, creating a comfortable means of which to excuse oneself from a scheduled engagement such as work, school, or a night out on the town. The new title will also make diarrhea an accessible dinner time conversation topic and should promote diarrhea awareness in families.

While poo purists are up in arms over the new designation, most poop and diarrhea enthusiasts are welcoming number 3 and are  excited to add it to their vocabulary.

“It was embarrassing to tell women I took a number 2, but not a normal number 2, one that resembled soft serve ice cream more than an O’Henry chocolate bar. The image provoked some unflattering reactions and cut a lot of first dates short,” said bachelor Glen Greenwood, a pooper from Hoboken, New Jersey. Glen has never been more optimistic about his love life.

Pepto Bismol is rumored to be changing their famous commercial lyrics to, “Nausea, heartburn, indigestion, upset stomach, number 3” and The Mayo Clinic is now warning tourists about traveler’s number 3.

Twitter is already overflowing with speculative Tweets about what number 4 will be. Vomit is the clear choice, but experts agree that number 3 should be familiarized first before adding another number.

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