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Chronic #3s

After years of falling under the number 2 category, diarrhea has been given it’s own number. Under the Bodily Fluids Classification Act of 1844, urination falls under number 1, poop is number 2, and now, diarrhea is number 3. This marks the first time the act has been amended since 1912, when a “p” was added to the end of “poo” in order for people to take the act more seriously.

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No longer will people have to specify that the number 2 they just took was soft, runny, toilet staining and by definition, diarrhea. Now they can state with confidence that they took a number 3.

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While arguments were made proposing diarrhea be designated numbers 1.5 or 2.5 the council ultimately agreed that only whole numbers were appropriate as any fractions or decimals will only create confusion and damage the credibility of the classification system.

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This euphemism is expected to drastically increase the frequency and ease in which diarrhea is talked about, creating a comfortable means of which to excuse oneself from a scheduled engagement such as work, school, or a night out on the town. The new title will also make diarrhea an accessible dinner time conversation topic and should promote diarrhea awareness in families.

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While poo purists are up in arms over the new designation, most poop and diarrhea enthusiasts are welcoming number 3 and are  excited to add it to their vocabulary.

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“It was embarrassing to tell women I took a number 2, but not a normal number 2, one that was more like soft serve ice cream than an O’Henry chocolate bar. The image provoked some unflattering reactions and cut a lot of first dates short,” said bachelor Glen Greenwood, a pooper from Hoboken, New Jersey. Glen has never been more optimistic about his love life.

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Pepto Bismol is rumored to be changing their famous commercial lyrics to, “Nausea, heartburn, indigestion, upset stomach, number 3″ and The Mayo Clinic is now warning tourists about traveler’s number 3.

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Twitter is already overflowing with speculative Tweets about what number 4 will be. Vomit is the clear choice, but experts agree that number 3 should be familiarized first before adding another number.

Your Caption Here

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I’ve formulated some theories as to why someone wouldn’t like dancing dogs.

1. Perhaps the owner’s Granny was on a leisurely drive, saw a beautiful peace inspiring dancing dog, and like so many others, was in a state of awe. In this awe-induced state she allowed the car to wander into oncoming traffic and got hit, head on, by a truck. Granny was killed instantly. Thus the owner of the store claims dancing dogs killed Granny.

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2. A clever thief used dancing dogs to distract the store owner while he ransacked the cash register.

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3. Thinks dancing dogs cause lung cancer, heart disease, and in some cases impotence, but in fact has mixed up dancing dogs with smoking.

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If you have any theories, feel free to leave them in the comments section.

Also, I’m looking for a caption for this pic and am willing to donate a beer for the best one.  Leave your brilliant ideas in the comments section found at the bottom of this article.

"The evidence is clear as day. The baby did it."

OMAHA, NE – Deadbeat dad, Al Waller was found dead in a dumpster behind the local grocery store just a block from his bachelor apartment. Police are baffled as clues indicate the baby, two year old Timothy ‘Timmy’ Waller, is responsible.

Crime scene investigators found Timmy’s torn Spongebob T-shirt, his rattle (being dubbed the “death rattle”), determined to be the murder weapon, and a soiled diaper, containing kernels of corn, Timmy’s favorite food.

Al Waller was behind on his child support payments, leaving Timothy and his Mother (Al’s ex-wife), Barb, in a financial bind. When asked to describe how she felt in one word, Barb said, “Proud,” then resumed dancing.

Skeptics are saying this is a setup or hoax perpetrated by the government to encourage deadbeat Dads to make their payments. They claim the baby had nothing to do with it.

“This is not a conspiracy. The evidence is clear as day. The baby did it. Deal with it people,” said Detective Roger Finch, stroking his mustache.

Police psychologist Dr. Sally Sharpe explains how babies killing deadbeat dads might be the new trend. “With all the dumpster baby jokes, it was only a matter of time before babies took matters into their own hands. I’m not surprised at all. ”

Jokesters on the world wide web are already formulating dumpster dad jokes, but in this journalist’s opinion, it is simply too soon. One website had the headline – Deadbeat Dad, found dead/beat in Dumpster.

Fox TV has already started shooting the TV movie.

Timothy Waller has been taken into police custody, but refuses to talk until he gets his magic dance hat.