Putting the “Must” in Mustache

Ian White or Wendel Clark reborn? You decide.
Ian White or Wendel Clark reborn? You decide.

Unless you’re a porn star, a police officer, or a country music singer, mustaches just aren’t “in” right now; they aren’t what the kids would describe as “cool.” But don’t let this deter you, kids are dumb and they smell funny. If you are in the small percentage of men who can pull off a mustache, then my friend, the world is your oyster.

Sporting a mustache will elicit compliments and high praise from those smart enough to respect and love the mustache. Anyone else is foolish and most likely due for a kick in the junk. Avoid them at all costs. The mustache is letting you know these are people you can do without. These are the people behind the plight of the mustache.

What is a Mustache?
It’s a little piece of heaven residing on your upper lip. If that isn’t the answer you’re looking for, I’ll be more specific. A mustache, according to Dictionary.com, is “the hair growing on the human upper lip, especially when cultivated and groomed.”

Therefore, mustache growers are gardeners in their own rite. It takes a lot of work to grow and maintain a beautiful mustache. Some people like using a tiny comb to keep their mustache in line, while others like to let their ‘stache grow wildly. Either is great and is completely up to you.

When they said, “good things come to those who wait,” they were talking about growing a mustache.

What about Lanny McDonald?
Lanny’s mustache can punch a hole through a brick wall. It’s beautiful.

The History of the Mustache
People have been growing mustaches for a long time. There are records of cavemen with big dusters roaming the countryside using their mustache to intimidate the mighty tyrannosaurus rex. Rumor has it, the intimidation provided by the mustache is what eventually led to the extinction of the dinosaurs.

Jesus had a mustache. It is said he used the mustache to make the deaf hear and the blind see. Jesus couldn’t walk on water, but his mustache could carry him over it. He once turned water into mustaches.

No kidding!

There are a large group of people who worship Jesus’s mustache, and call his body the empty vessel that carried the Great Mustache. Jesus literally translates to “Man of the Mustache” in Romanian.

Chaplin to Hitler: "Stop ruining my stache!"
Chaplin to Hitler: "Stop ruining my stache!"

Can Anything Bad Come From Mustaches?
Shit yes! Look at Hitler. His mustache embodied evil. If one man could ever ruin a mustache it was Hitler. That style of mustache was on its way to the top. Charlie Chaplin was making it super cool. Fortune tellers, time travellers, and expert mustache statisticians agree if Hitler never existed, every man, woman, and child in the world would have the Chaplin.

Is Hitler the only person bringing down Mustaches?
Certainly not. There are dictators, film villains, country music stars, rednecks, and pornstars making the mustache something that might not be cool. Don’t be swayed. It IS cool.

Cooler than your mom!

What about Burt Reynolds?
Yes, he has a mustache too.

How Can I Grow a Mustache?
If you’re not shaving, you’re growing a mustache right now.

Who Sports the Mustache?
From the 16 year old trying to buy beer, to the weird, old Hungarian lady who lives down the street, mustache wearers come in all shapes and sizes. They’re not native to any specific area, and their presence spans the globe.

Wow, that’s a lot of mustaches!

However, each of the last 5 years has seen a 4% drop in the number of people sporting a mustache, especially in North America. That’s why we’re talking about the plight of the mustache. It needs to stop.

Why do I have warts on my big toe?
WHAT!? We’re talking about mustaches stupid!

That is some beautiful 'stache!
That is some beautiful 'stache!

Is there an international spokesman for the moustache?
Thankfully, there is. Mr. Baseball/Magnum P.I., AKA Tom Selleck. Tom Selleck is the biggest promoter of the mustache. He’s what is keeping the mustache alive and keeping it cool until everyone realizes just how sweet it is and it explodes into a global epidemic of hairy awesomeness.

Hopefully, with your help and Tom Selleck’s good looks, we can start reversing the disrespect the mustache is getting lately.  So do yourself and everyone else a favor and start growing your mustache today.

  • Hadje

    so c camel–do you or don’t you hate m(o)ustaches?

    well, yeah magnum but that was then

    myself i don’t like them

    all i can manage is a soul patch like my idol strombo

  • 1. The biggest enemy of the mustache is those who can’t grow it. Mustache envy is what has set the ‘stache back a number of years. I love the ‘stache. I don’t have one, but I respect and love it.

    2. Magnum is timeless.

    3. Strombo is fantastic. Class act.

  • Hadje

    CC you are very persuasive
    I just threw my Axe shaving gel overboard

    • That’s the spirit, Hadje! Although, without the shaving cream it’ll just be a beard and not a mustache. Hmmm…Maybe this hasn’t been thought through all the way…Or maybe I just need to write a beard article.

  • MAGNASTIC

    Hey Humpy

    I feel so close to you right now 🙂

    I pi led myself into my rented well repossessed fab faded red mustache- framing ferrari

    I am in self imposed retirement after the demise of my nemesis Jonathan Higgins the third

    no worries though. Rick is fine company wink wink nod nod

    OMG the dogs!! the dogs!!

    • I’m not sure when Higgins became your nemesis, but I feel that’s the point when your screws came loose. I suggest the two of you make amends and then, perhaps, the dogs will go away and all will be quiet. Do you remember the quiet? The sweet, serene quiet? Yes, those were the days. Talk to Rick, he knows.

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