Emergency Underwear

For many people, laundry day comes when they run out underwear. Emergency underwear is the last clean pair of underwear you have at your disposal. The pair you’ve contemplated throwing out, but for whatever reason, decided that a day might come where they could serve a purpose. With new and clean underwear going in and out of your drawer, old faithful is usually buried in the back, waiting to come off the bench and play. It’s on laundry day that you truly know why you refused to part with what is most likely the ugliest and least comfortable pair of underwear in your repertoire.

Emergency underwear can take many forms.

Bleach Blotched Boxer Has-Beens
Bleach Blotched Boxer Has-Beens

The Thorn in Your Asshole

  • Whether they’re too tight, too loose, ride up or lack the ball support you need, you’ve relegated these skivvies to being the last pair you’ll wear before doing the laundry. That constant wedgie, or rip in the balls zone says you need to get your laundry done so you can enjoy your go-to knickers and escape from your groin gouging last line of defense jockeys.

The Retired Veteran

  • Sometimes when your best pair of Saturday night drawers begins to show wear and tear, rather than tossing it into the garbage or turning it into a rag, you give it the respect it deserves and allow it to play a veteran role on the team. Allow it to step in when the game is on the line and options are limited.  Rips in the waistband don’t mean that the wily vet can’t still do the job, and it’s on these days that you respect and love your old knickers. Hell, if they can get you through Y2K, than what’s one more emergency?

Novelty Underwear

  • Gag gifts, Christmas presents, or just bad purchases are where one usually obtains novelty underwear. They’ll include underwear with pictures of comic book characters, sports players, or even politicians. Maybe they’ll have a stupid joke on them like, “contents under pressure,” “slippery when wet”, or “a fart a day keeps the wife away.” At any rate, the sports player has retired or moved on to another team, the comic book character is no longer cool, and you’ve finally noticed that the joke on your undergarments isn’t funny.

What are you wearing on laundry day?

Great X-Mas gift Mom. Thanks so much, I love it, really!
Great X-Mas gift Mom. Thanks so much, I love it, really!

This is my novelty underwear. It’s supposed to be former Toronto Raptor Jerome “Junk Yard Dog” Williams (2001-2003).  Because JYD left the Raptors in 2003 this underwear is dated, which is a nice addition to emergency underwear. Notice the lack of words that might make this product in need of any sort of licensing, such as “Raptors,” “NBA,” or “Jerome Williams.”  My Mom got me this gift as some sort of joke, while filling the motherly quota of supplying me with underwear every single Christmas. My cousin got Green Goblin underwear. Ridiculous.

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