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Ian White or Wendel Clark reborn? You decide.

Unless you’re a porn star, a police officer, or a country music singer, mustaches just aren’t “in” right now; they aren’t what the kids would describe as “cool.” But don’t let this deter you, kids are dumb and they smell funny. If you are in the small percentage of men who can pull off a moustache, then my friend, the world is your oyster. 

Sporting a mustache will elicit compliments and high praise from those smart enough to respect and love the mustache. Anyone else is foolish and most likely due for a kick in the junk. Avoid them at all costs. The mustache is letting you know these are people you can do without. These are the people behind the plight of the mustache. 

What is a Mustache?
It’s a little piece of heaven residing on your upper lip. If that isn’t the answer you’re looking for, I’ll be more specific. A mustache, according to Dictionary.com, is “the hair growing on the human upper lip, especially when cultivated and groomed.” 

Therefore, mustache growers are gardeners in their own rite. It takes a lot of work to grow and maintain a beautiful mustache. Some people like using a tiny comb to keep their mustache in line, while others like to let their ‘stache grow wildly. Either is great and is completely up to you. 

When they said, “good things come to those who wait,” they were talking about growing a mustache.

What about Lanny McDonald?  
Lanny’s mustache can punch a hole through a brick wall. It’s beautiful.

The History of the Mustache
People have been growing mustaches for a long time. There are records of cavemen with big dusters roaming the countryside using their mustache to intimidate the mighty tyrannosaurus rex. Rumor has it, the intimidation provided by the mustache is what eventually led to the extinction of the dinosaurs. 

Jesus had a mustache. It is said he used the mustache to make the deaf hear and the blind see. Jesus couldn’t walk on water, but his mustache could carry him over it. He once turned water into mustaches.

No kidding! 

There are a large group of people who worship Jesus’s mustache, and call his body the empty vessel that carried the Great Mustache. Jesus literally translates to “Man of the Mustache” in Romanian.  

Chaplin to Hitler: "Stop ruining my stache!"

Can Anything Bad Come From Mustaches?
Shit yes! Look at Hitler. His moustache embodied evil. If one man could ever ruin a mustache it was Hitler. That style of mustache was on its way to the top. Charlie Chaplin was making it super cool. Fortune tellers, time travellers, and expert mustache statisticians agree if Hitler never existed, every man, woman, and child in the world would have the Chaplin.

Is Hitler the only person bringing down Mustaches?
Certainly not. There are dictators, film villains, country music stars, rednecks, and pornstars making the mustache something that might not be cool. Don’t be swayed. It IS cool.

Cooler than your mom! 

What about Burt Reynolds?
Yes, he has a mustache too. 

How Can I Grow a Mustache?
If you’re not shaving, you’re growing a mustache right now. 

Who Sports the Mustache?
From the 16 year old trying to buy beer, to the weird, old Hungarian lady who lives down the street, mustache wearers come in all shapes and sizes. They’re not native to any specific area, and their presence spans the globe.

Wow, that’s a lot of mustaches!

However, each of the last 5 years has seen a 4% drop in the number of people sporting a mustache, especially in North America. That’s why we’re talking about the plight of the mustache. It needs to stop. 

Why do I have warts on my big toe?
WHAT!? We’re talking about mustaches stupid! 

That is some beautiful 'stache!

Is there an international spokesman for the moustache?
Thankfully, there is. Mr. Baseball/Magnum P.I., AKA Tom Selleck. Tom Selleck is the biggest promoter of the mustache. He’s what is keeping the mustache alive and keeping it cool until everyone realizes just how sweet it is and it explodes into a global epidemic of hairy awesomeness.

Hopefully, with your help and Tom Selleck’s good looks, we can start reversing the disrespect the mustache is getting lately.  So do yourself and everyone else a favor and start growing your mustache today.

I saw this sign in Toronto and had to take a picture.

Just when you thought you couldn't find "real food" anywhere

When you own a teriyaki restaurant, teriyaki is the big selling item. It’s what will make or break the business. But when your sign says, “Not Only Teriyaki” and below says, “Real Food,” it implies that your make or break item, the teriyaki, isn’t real food.  Another knee slapper is that “Real Food!” has an exclamation point beside it, which means they’re excited they have real food. They don’t think this is something being offered everywhere else. 

Also, if the daily special is glued or painted on your window, and has been there since the restaurant opened, it’s not a daily special, it’s the regular everyday price. 

I actually used to eat here and it was only when the “For Rent” sign was up that I started thinking of possible reasons it could have gone belly-up. Oddly enough, when they served me iced tea from a paint bucket, I was just happy my lunch was under $5 and included a drink. 

They also had many copies of Hello! magazine, which kept me updated on any gossip pertaining to the royal family. I used to dare people to quiz me on Prince Harry. Alas, those days are gone, and so is my teriyaki restaurant. Where am I going to get real food? 

Oh well, fuck it, I’ll get thai cuisine at this place instead.

A friend of mine showed me this and recommended I watch it with the volume off. Now I’m asking you to do the same. Hallucinogens might enhance the experience.

The next generation is going to be fucked up. But they’ll be great dancers.

For many people, laundry day comes when they run out underwear. Emergency underwear is the last clean pair of underwear you have at your disposal. The pair you’ve contemplated throwing out, but for whatever reason, decided that a day might come where they could serve a purpose. With new and clean underwear going in and out of your drawer, old faithful is usually buried in the back, waiting to come off the bench and play. It’s on laundry day that you truly know why you refused to part with what is most likely the ugliest and least comfortable pair of underwear in your repertoire.

Emergency underwear can take many forms.

Bleach Blotched Boxer Has-Beens

The Thorn in Your Asshole

• Whether they’re too tight, too loose, ride up or lack the ball support you need, you’ve relegated these skivvies to being the last pair you’ll wear before doing the laundry. That constant wedgie, or rip in the balls zone says you need to get your laundry done so you can enjoy your go-to knickers and escape from your groin gouging last line of defense jockeys.

The Retired Veteran

• Sometimes when your best pair of Saturday night drawers begins to show wear and tear, rather than tossing it into the garbage or turning it into a rag, you give it the respect it deserves and allow it to play a veteran role on the team. Allow it to step in when the game is on the line and options are limited.  Rips in the waistband don’t mean that the wily vet can’t still do the job, and it’s on these days that you respect and love your old knickers. Hell, if they can get you through Y2K, than what’s one more emergency?

Novelty Underwear

• Gag gifts, Christmas presents, or just bad purchases are where one usually obtains novelty underwear. They’ll include underwear with pictures of comic book characters, sports players, or even politicians. Maybe they’ll have a stupid joke on them like, “contents under pressure,” “slippery when wet”, or “a fart a day keeps the wife away.” At any rate, the sports player has retired or moved on to another team, the comic book character is no longer cool, and you’ve finally noticed that the joke on your undergarments isn’t funny.

What are you wearing on laundry day?

Great X-Mas gift Mom. Thanks so much, I love it, really!

This is my novelty underwear. It’s supposed to be former Toronto Raptor Jerome “Junk Yard Dog” Williams (2001-2003).  Because JYD left the Raptors in 2003 this underwear is dated, which is a nice addition to emergency underwear. Notice the lack of words that might make this product in need of any sort of licensing, such as “Raptors,” “NBA,” or “Jerome Williams.”  My Mom got me this gift as some sort of joke, while filling the motherly quota of supplying me with underwear every single Christmas. My cousin got Green Goblin underwear. Ridiculous.

Check out this website, www.pantalaine.com, and do yourself a favor and look over all of the items they’re selling.  The pictures are hilarious. Here’s a preview.

While the couchdress and everything else on that site is clearly a joke, this next product is real, and just as idiotic.

Snuggies are so mind numbingly stupid they make me want to spit acid. There can be only 3 reasons to purchase it, and by 3 reasons, I mean there is only 1.

1. You’re willing to spend a small amount of money on this ridiculous product just to get a giggle out of your friends and family.

If this is the case, let’s be friends. I like your gusto and I look forward to spending evenings wrapped in a Snuggie chuckling heartily at the shear absurdity of a blanket with sleeves.

OR

2. You’re joining a religious cult and you need a uniform.

If you come across a large group of people wearing snuggies, maybe burning a cross, or performing a séance, avoid eye contact and run like hell. Remember, anyone wearing these can get a hold of you, their hands are not trapped!

OR

3. You need a blanket that doesn’t trap your hands while you’re masturbating to reruns of The Golden Girls.

The truth is, everyone is buying it for reason #3, but in order to save face, they’re claiming they bought it for reason #1 or #2. Own up to it. I do.

"You're a dirty one Blanche Devereaux, aren't you?"

Hat tip to Bianca and Julia for making my day with these links.

I saw this restaurant in Berlin and it made me laugh

Italian or Thai tonight? Phuket!

A-Rod Blowing Smoke ... Out of his ass

NEW YORK, NY – Alex Rodriquez was not available for comments after farting during batting practice on Tuesday.

Onlookers say the Yankees All-Star 3rd baseman “let one rip” after lacing a pitch into left field.

“It almost sounded like someone was trying to start an old jalopy,” said Yankee fan Tyler Putnam, “Frankly, I thought with him being a former gold glover, he could do better. I just hope this won’t affect his play at the plate this season.”

Team Captain and shortstop, Derek Jeter supported his teammate, “These kind of things happen. I just hope this will blow over and we can focus on baseball.” Yankee catcher, Jose Molina, who was catching behind A-Rod during the infraction, fanning the air with his glove, echoed Jeter’s sentiments hoping this would “blow over.”

In what has been a rough off-season for A-Rod it’s tough determine what kind of effect this incident will have on the player’s reputation and Major League Baseball.

Several unconfirmed reports claim the fart smelled like boiled cabbage, eggs, and steroids.

Kid goes to dentist, gets drugged up, becomes a young philosopher. David’s father posted this stating the reason behind his child’s bizarre behavior in the title – “David After Dentist,” so you’d probably just assume the dentist is who drugged David, but if you’re into conspiracies, coded messages, and other bullshit you may have noticed the acronym in the title.

“David After Dentist” = D.A.D.  Anything to get YouTube subscribers.

Seriously though, it’s funny enough that you won’t miss reruns of that idiot magnet show According to Jim.

If you liked the above movie and feel like making yourself dumber. Watch the remix. It’s surprisingly catchy.

MALIBU, CA – Disappointed gay movie goers are up in arms over the misleading title of the Warner Brothers’ film Watchmen.

“I came to see men in tights, but this is not what I had in mind,” said Tommy Styles, who had seen the title in the theatre’s marquee and abandoned his plans for a pedicure to attend the Zach Snyder comic book flick.

“I like to watch men, so when I saw this film’s title I felt like it was making a request to do just that,” said Corey Lopez, writer for assblogger.com. “I thought maybe gay porn had finally made it into the mainstream, readers of my blog will hear about this,” Lopez added shaking his head. “Don’t get me wrong, the movie’s pretty good, and Brandon Routh is a dreamboat, but when you go to a movie thinking it’s porn and it’s not, it can be very frustrating.”

Early reviews that Watchmen sucks balls have only succeeded in adding to the confusion.

Counting a large stack of money from a day of sold out shows, Malibu Cineplex manager Gary Graves issued no apologies, “I will not give out any refunds on tickets. If I gave customers money back every time they didn’t like a movie, I’d be out of business. Buyer beware.”

Malibu Cineplex has since pulled the film and is playing the 1999 film, Dick.